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Friday, July 13, 2007
If you believe in peanut butter, clap your hands
I'm a big believer in setting goals and making commitments and then watching and waiting expectantly for doors to open. Sometimes it's small doors. Sometimes it's big doors. But the point I think, is making a plan, then watching and waiting with anticipation of good things. I've spent a lot of time on our website talking about how that happened for me with music and songwriting in general (see my bio page), but now I have something new to add to this incredible journey. When I first got into music, I picked up a guitar and taught myself a few simple chords. Easy enough. A little harder for me to figure out how to play them in a way that made songs sound good. Add to that the fact that I'm a recovering perfectionist, and NOTHING I did was EVER going to sound good enough to me. But I kept plodding along. Playing my little songs. Pitifully. But I was trying. Then I met Tom. Tom Prasada-Rao. Guitar God. My first "big-name" encourager turn CD producer turn friend turn best friend turn boyfriend turn musical partner turn husband. When Tom and I formed a musical partnership, I had a lot of catching up to do. I was green. I was as green as the Jolly Green Giant. As Kermit the Frog. I had never performed on the level that he was at, and I was thrown into an arena not quite sure if I belonged there. Knowing there were a whole bunch of skeptical folks that definitely didn't think I belonged there. So I made a decision to focus on the three things I knew I had a little bit of control over, singing, songwriting and stage presence. My voice is my voice. Not the best, not the prettiest, not the strongest, but I could deal with how it sounded and could claim it and own it. My songwriting seemed to be improving at a pretty quick pace, and I'd always felt pretty comfortable on stage. So in order to perform with Tom, I kind of felt like I'd be doing his career and mine/ours a favor if at that point I didn't suck. And the best way I knew not to suck was to NOT play guitar. Besides, he sounds like an entire band all by himself, and didn't really need me. Plus it was an "easy out" of not having to face some of my biggest and oldest fears. Let me backtrack a little. I played piano as a kid. I played by ear. I took lessons to learn to read music and learn theory, and I hated it. And hated to practice. I mean, if I heard a song a couple of times, I could figure out how to play it and from that point on, I'd ignore the music and just play. My piano teacher would pull her hair out with me. Didn't matter. It wasn't fun and I wasn't motivated. But I was asked to play two songs at the Girl Scout banquet when I was in fifth grade. And I avoided practicing. And I avoided practicing. Then a couple of days before the banquet, I pulled a "cramming" practice and barely learned the songs. The banquet came and I sucked. Played more wrong notes than right. And I remember wanting to crawl in a hole. I had never sucked in public before. And it scarred my little life - for life. I remember the first few gigs I played, when I actually did play guitar. In my head, I was that Girl Scout screwing up on the piano, waiting for disaster. Waiting for the earth to open and swallow me up. Personal demons. These are mine. So, fast-forward to the present. I've had 5 years of getting my act together on stage. Figuring out how to work a crowd. Learning how to craft my schtick. And I think that what I do, I do pretty well. But I've also known in the back of my head, that in a lot of people's minds, I will only be taken seriously as a player in the music world when I'm actually a PLAYER. And for the past year or so, it's been gnawing at me that I needed to pick up the guitar again and give it another shot. I mean, I never really completely put it away. I still played at home a little. I played when I wrote my songs, I just never played at shows. And the time has been coming. I remember having a conversation a year or so ago with Jonathan Byrd telling him of my desire and my fear about playing guitar, and he told me that if I just picked it up for 15 minutes a day, I'd be amazed at how far I'd come in a short time (not that Tom hadn't been telling me that for years, but sometimes it takes someone not so close to you to say something in way that actually allows you to hear it, you know?) So I thought about that for six months. Rather, (or at least I tell myself) I meditated on it for six months. Then at Christmas time this year, I actually picked up the guitar with the commitment to learn it. To become friends with it. To quit taking it so seriously. To quit being afraid of it. To quit being afraid of fucking up. And I've been practicing. Some days for an hour or so, some days for 15 minutes. Some days not at all. But MOST days, I practice. And it's paying off. I can feel it. I can play bar chords!! Never used to be able to do that. I'm realizing that I'm a lot more comfortable figuring out arrangements for my songs. Lots of things are all of a sudden becoming easier. Another commitment I made was to enter a couple of contests that I'd never entered before. I won the Kerrville New Folk competition several years ago. And it was great. BUT Tom played guitar for me. And believe me, I heard the mumblings late at night around campfires about that. About how I shouldn't have won. And about how it only really counted if I'd played for myself. Now I don't really buy into that. I'm proud of my songs, and I'm proud of my ability to connect with an audience when I present them. And there was nothing in the rules that said you couldn't have someone else playing for you. But I do know that a lot of other people DO buy into that. I was also a Falcon Ridge emerging artist but Tom played for me there too. And at the Mountain Stage Newsong Contest. But I'd never entered Telluride* or the Rocky Mountain Folks Festival contests. Because you had to play guitar for yourself. So this year, I made the commitment to enter. And to be ready in case I was chosen. And again, I really think there's something to the whole power of intentions thing. I've seen it happen in my life too many times. Name your desires. Claim them. And then wait for good things to happen. This summer, Tom and I are teaching at Young Writers Workshop at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville. It's a program for high school students where kids come from all over the world to learn about different genres of writing: Fiction, poetry, creative non-fiction, playwriting, and songwriting. Tom's been the songwriting teacher there for the past eight years. This is our first year to officially share the teaching position. Last night there was a teacher's reading and all the teachers get up in front of the students, 150 or so total kids, and read a piece of their work. Tom and I get to put on a little mini concert of about 6 or 7 songs. I made a commitment to myself earlier this week to play a new song I'd written since arriving at Young Writers for the students. Believe me, I'd rather play for a huge audience of adults than for teenagers. There's something about that age group that makes me soooooooooo nervous. I think it has to do with the fact that I really want them to think I'm cool and I know I'm so NOT cool. But anyway, I committed. And I played my song!! And I lived!! And they LIKED it. They didn't care that I wasn't Tom Prasada-Rao or that I can't play like him (I'm the only one that puts that kind of pressure on me). They liked me, they actually liked me – unfortunately I'm so Sally Fields. I'm writing this on a plane from Pittsburg to Denver. We started in D.C. today on our way to the Winter Park Folk Festival where we're playing tomorrow. We found out at National in D.C. that our flight to Pittsburg was overbooked and that we might not make the flight. We had to stand around for a long time waiting to see if folks were going to give up seats in order for us to have seats. I decided to get online to pass the time. I saw an email in my inbox. It was from the Rocky Mountain Folks Festival. It said, Congratulations! You've been selected as one of ten finalists for our song competition. I believe. I believe. I believe. Tom on the other hand, isn't buying my spiritual mumbo jumbo. He says, "You don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you wrote some good songs?" Well, I mean I hope it has a little to do with that. But I truly believe that it wouldn't have happened until I really made the commitment to put myself out there. Now I have one month and four days to PRACTICE!! And practice. And practice. And practice. And practice some more. Soooooooo…my friends, I'm asking for your help. I'm asking you to put some good thoughts out there for me. I'm asking you to send me some good vibes and help me begin to visualize myself not as that humiliated Girl Scout, but as someone who walks out on the stage with confidence, with guitar in hand. Knowing that I belong there. Knowing that I can do it. Knowing that practice pays off. Not afraid of failing, and excited about doing the best job I can. Will you help me?? Colorado here I come!! Here's one of my all time favorite quotes. Thanks for reading. Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Goethe * I was selected as an honorable mention for the Telluride Contest earlier this summer as well. posted by Cary Cooper @ 10:50 PM 1 Comments:
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