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Friday, October 26, 2007
Loretta Lynn, My Lion Friend
I've always wanted to have my own animal identity. You know, claim an animal for my very own that somehow defines me . I remember doing the eneagram test once. Found out I was 4 (for any of you out there that know anything about the eneagram). I also found out that my LIGHT animal was a stallion, and that my SHADOW animal was a basset hound. Well I grew up deathly afraid of horses. We had them when I was a child. I was not one of those free souls who could jomp on bare back, grab the horses mane and just ride like the wind into the credits of a movie's end. That was my sister. I was more in the camp where if possible, I would have looked like the goalie for a hockey team with more protective gear than a horseriding situation called for. So claiming a stallion as MY animal. The one that represents me in my highest brightest moments seemed either completely ironic or just a cruel joke. (And I totally got the basset hound thing,: slow lazy, big whiney sound…) So continued on my search for MY animal. I also remember being in therapy in a difficult period of my life and the therapist asked me if I had to describe myself as an animal what would I be. I was ashamed to admit at the time that the animal that I most related to was a wounded deer. I remember the words flying out of my mouth before I had the chance to stop them. Saying I felt like a frightened wounded deer left by the side of the road to be eaten by other animals. Now if that doesn't say something about where I've come from…A sober reminder to me of what it feels like to be powerless. This past year has been a journey of sorts for me. I mean a deeper journey than the one I began 7 years ago when I claimed my identity as a songwriter. This year was the first year of marriage for Tom and me. It was also the first year in our history together when we weren't on the road EVERY weekend. I took the opportunity to work on myself a little. I made some new friends, I lost weight, I worked on relearning the guitar and I spent a lot of time writing. I started feeling really clear about what I want, where I'm heading and how I'm getting there. Confident and clear. A great feeling compared to the deer on the side of the road waiting to be eaten alive. One of my dearest new friends, Mary Moss started calling me her lioness. I think it started because of how my hair reacts to humidity. I wear my hair straight at the expense of major straightening effort, which works pretty well in Dallas, not so well in more humid environments where five minutes after the whole 20 minute straightening process it's a big wavy frizzy mess, so much so that if I let my hair dry by itself, and walk into a room after it'd dried, Tom does one of those knee jerk reaction double takes along with a "woa" like he doesn't even recognize me as the same person he just crawled out of bed with. Anyway, Mary Moss started calling me "lioness" because of my hair. But through a series of summer emails, three way emails between me, Mary Moss and Melanie Hersch (my other champion friend), where we solved every problem known to man, Lioness evolved to a deeper meaning. That I'm bold, fiercely loyal, and unafraid. Not really how I see myself, but does anyone see themselves the way that others see them? I doubt it. The old cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz definitely didn't see himself that way, and definitly didn't live in his power all the time, but when push came to shove, he was a stand up guy...I must have more in common with him than i think, because my first tattoo is the Chinese symbol for courage. Branded on my right bicep as a constant reminder to me. You can be courageous. You ARE courageous! The last two weeks have been very trying ones for me personally. Filled with lots of reasons for me to look within, explore deep levels of personal pain. But also filled with many opportunities to rise above my wounded self to a higher place of understanding and growth. Necessary growth. During this time, I went back to my summer behavior and started up the three way emails again. No better way to get through pain than to laugh your way through it with loving supportive friends. And my nickname kept appearing in the emails. Then the other day, I had the experience of recording one of my all-time favorite Joni Mitchell songs, River. It's a song about pain and longing and regret. Seemed appropriate timing wise to record it while I was in the middle of my own dark place. And with Tom engineering, I tried hard to tap into my own feelings so that they came through in the singing of the song. Tom thinks it's the best vocal I've done. It was definitely heart felt. And without reservation (which I should say is definitely a new thing for me when it comes to singing). Coming into the this whole performing life rather late, I find myself feeling rather timid about my voice, most days. Knowing I'm never going to have the kind of soulful voice Ruthie Foster has or my friend Michelle Dalziel (who sings more like a black gospel singing girl than most black girls I know…and she ain't black), I kind of used my timidity about my voice to keep me in a box vocally using it as an excuse not to stretch. But as I was singing River, I tapped into a place of power. Not a Ruthie Foster kind of power, but Cary Cooper power. A place of strength and conviction. And I realized that I want to sing like that all the time. So on my birthday, I wrote on my myspace "status" that I was roaring like the freakin lion I was becoming. And before I realized it, I had claimed my animal. I was a lion. The lioness. And it feels right. My daughters were really excited to go shopping for my birthday with Tom. They're finally getting old enough to approach shopping from the perspective of buying something mom might like rather than things they like and just happen to give to mom. I've gotten lots of stuffed animals in the past, just to explain a little further. But this year, they really put a lot of thought into it. Caroline got me a pair of reading glasses for my old failing eyes, she also bought me an angel to remind me of a fun night we had dancing in the kitchen together to Annie Lennox' "precious little angel" song. She also got me a vanilla candle, cause well, you know I'm a freak for vanilla. Hannah bought me a a pen to write with that says mom all over it. No.1 mom. Mother, mommy etc. And a really cute necklace and pair of earrings. (All courtesy of the Dollar Tree – where nothing costs over a dollar. A singer-songwriting family shopping paradise). But the biggie, my non-dollar tree present was kind of a compromise. In style, more like presents of past year, something the girls would like. but actually more of a bridge into their world. I got a WEBKINZ!! Now if you don't have kids you probably don't even know what the hell I'm talking about. But take it from me , it's all the rage. Kind of like a stuffed animal myspace for kids. Picture stuffed animals, like beanie babies with secret codes that you put into the computer and then you name your animal and you take care of them online, you befriend other animals online, you play with other animals online, you shop for your animal, you play games to win more money to shop with. And both my kids are totally obsessed. If you want to be a hit at a kids birthday party one of these days, show up with a webkinz, you'll have new best friends disguised as 8 & 9 year olds coming outta the woodworks! Anyway, they had this great idea that I should have my own webkinz so that when I'm gone on trips, we can "play" with each other and leave messages for each other (they have their own email accounts, but they never check them because they can't stop playing on webkinz long enough for that). So, they bought me a lion. And I named her Loretta Lynn. Because she found her voice and learned to roar long before me. Ahhh, life is good in my den tonight. posted by Cary Cooper @ 5:31 PM 0 Comments: |
